"I made suggestions about how you can turn a little preparation into a better book group experience, but advance preparation will only get you so far. Here are three more simple suggestions to make you better at talking about books once the meeting actually starts. This week, I’ll focus on what not to do–three important DONT’S of book group discussion.
1) DON’T UNDERMINE YOURSELF.
It’s understandable that you don’t want to come off as a know-it-all, but I’ve seen many book group participants take this to the opposite extreme, trying so hard to appear modest or self-effacing that they practically erase themselves from the group. If you have the urge to apologize before each remark, to qualify every comment that you make, to constantly defer to other “wiser” readers, swallow the self-effacement and just make your point. Put yourself on equal footing: Pretend that you feel like your comments are worth hearing, even when you don’t. Others will be more likely to appreciate your contribution if you act like you believe it yourself.
2) AVOID ABSOLUTISM.
On the other side of the scale, overly strong opinions put other readers in an uncomfortable position, creating one of the fastest paths to awkward silence. Maybe you hated the book, but to say so categorically isn’t likely to get the discussion anywhere. It may stifle the comments of other readers who liked the book or felt mixed about it, but who don’t want to be confrontational or exhibit bad taste. Conversely, your unabashed praise for the book may leave them with no role to play but the undesirable part of wet blanket. This does NOT mean that you shouldn’t put your opinions on display, only that you should work hard to identify the specific pleasures of the book, the specific problems that you encountered. By getting specific, you’ll turn a dogmatic, awkward comment into a conversation booster. A little verbal fencing is good fun, but you’ve got to leave others with room to riposte. No matter how strongly you feel about the book, opening the conversation with a verbal atomic bomb is likely to leave your discussion with nowhere to go.
3) DON’T BE THE DERAILER
Book group discussion is all about momentum, and nothing will make you unpopular faster than being the person who consistently throws the discussion off the tracks. Don’t be so anxious to make your own points that you cut off those of others. Yes, the book might remind you of one of your favorite stories. Yes, someone else’s comment might have been the perfect set-up for a pun or a joke. And yes, you might know a bit of trivia that might enhance the discussion, but BE CAREFUL. You don’t have to speak every word that pops into your head. Put yourself on a five-second delay, and think quickly about whether or not your comment will interrupt others, change topics prematurely, or simply leave others with nothing to say in response. No matter how witty you are, the fastest way to become a book group pariah is to shut down others’ best discussion points."
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